Sense of loss

I feel a sense of loss today. It is in my heart, so I try to face it. I felt a bit humiliated because I made a comment on a blog in which I just repeated what the author had already written. I did this without realizing it. Later I thought: 'How stupid.' but I pushed on: 'At least I am getting involved.' A year ago I would not have, could not have written a comment on a blog.

A friend's son was dying of cancer and he had a blog where he, his wife and his mom made comments. I considered commenting a few times, but did not, could not. I thought: 'It is family. It is personal. What can I add?' Well, I have gone beyond that now. (I might even be able to write or talk with someone who has just lost a loved one. This I was not able to do. It was too imaginary for me.) I put down comments and some foolish ones. I feel bad, but this is living. I had buried my mind and heart with the death of my father in 1963, though I became Catholic in 1976 much of my life, especially my emotional life, was gone. Jesus choose a visit to my brother, who is a Scientologist in LA, to open my mind and heart up in April of 2005 to show me that life had gone on, that my 'little brother' had grown up and that I had, too.

In April of 2005 I toured the drug rehabs that my brother ran and at the last one it hit me that my brother was in charge of this, that he was helping others restore their lives. This had a great deal to do with his efforts. I realized that I needed rehab for grieve and that at that moment I was getting rehab for grief. I wound up, a year later spending 31/2 weeks at a Narconon rehab center where I saw that my drug was grief and where I fought through some of the walls that I had set up to preserve my life as a fourteen year old. I got to know my brother better through my time at this rehab center, though he was not there. God did bless me.

Now I struggle to put my heart and mind on the line. It often isn't easy, but it isn't death, either. Deo Gratias